Archive for June, 2012

God is watching some guys building a tower. As they work they get more and more distracted and more and more consumed in what they’re building.

God: Nice tower. Keep the bricks square and it’ll be sturdier. Need any help? Love you guys.

Mac: Wow! This is going to be one high tower! If we can do this, we can do anything. We’ll be kings of the world! We’ll be gods! Blah. Blah. Blah.

Jim: Mac’s right. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Steve (quizzically): What?

God: Hey guys, don’t disconnect. You know, I do more than make it rain.

Mac: Blah?

Steve: What?

God: Uhm. Guys. I am meaning. Nothing makes sense without me.

Elwood: Blah. Blah?

Jim: Blah?

Mac: Blah?

Steve (scratching his head): What?

God: Steve, over here.

Steve (ignoring God, grabbing Mac’s sleeve): Bbbbbblllllaaaaahhhh!

Mac (pulling away): Blah. Blah. Blah. BLAH!

Steve (looking at Mac, Jim and Elwood): Bbbbbblllllaaaaahhhh!

Jim (frowning, hands on hips): B-l-a-h. Blah. Blah — blah!

Mac (throwing down his trowel): Blah. Blah blah blah blah.

Steve (throwing down his mallet): Blah? Blah!

God: Now you’ve done it.

Elwood (pointing at the bricks): Blah?

Jim (pointing to himself): Blah? Blah.

Mac (angrily): Blah blah blah.

Steve (pointing to Jim): Blah?

Jim (shoving Steve into Mac): Bbbbbblllllaaaaahhhh!

Elwood (leaning out, throws a brick down to the next level): Blaaaaaah!

From one level down:  Bl…

God (sarcastically): Welcome to your own private world. Hope you enjoy talking to yourself ’cause no one else understands. If you decide you’d like to talk to me again, I’ll be listening.

Tr8: Meaning is found in God. You are in more trouble than you think when you quit speaking God’s language.

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Jesus, John Mark and Barnabas are waiting for Peter, John and James at a Starbucks. Jesus promised to take Mark and Barney to a water park. Jesus is reading a paper someone left behind. Mark and Barnabas are studying him.

Barnabas: Jesus, why don’t you ever write anything down for us?

Jesus: Got it taken care of.

Barnabas: What’d’ya mean?

Jesus: Two things: First, my teachings are something you DO, not something you LEARN. The Pharisees KNOW what is written, but they don’t DO it too much. Second, anyone who writes about himself has questionable credibility.

Mark: Yeah, but I think your life and teachings need to be written down.

Jesus: I know. It’ll get written up. Here’s how it’ll fall out. Matthew, who listens well, will do mainly teachings and sermons. Peter will work with you, Mark, to write anecdotes and stories. A doctor, named Lucanus, will write my biography and some other stuff. Barney, you’ll help him and a nimrod named Saul, from Tarsus. It’ll be interesting. John, when he’s old will write a sort of first-person narrative. He’ll continue to be a bit jealous of Peter being the ‘rock’ on which the church will be built.

Mark: I should have known you’d have it all under control.

Jesus (smiling): Listen to this headline on the sports page, ‘Pharisee with Twelve Children Hits Hole in One.’

Barnabas: Here’s Peter and the guys! Let’s go! The slide at Aquaduct-Us Maximus is radical!

Jesus: Grab you towels and sunscreen, I’ll pay our tab.

Tr8: Jesus’ way is something you DO, not what you KNOW.

Jesus and half-a-dozen disciples are waiting for a bus south of Capernaum on Hwy 87. They get on a local heading into town. Jesus sits next to Thomas.

Jesus: So, what’d’ya think?

Thomas: About what?

Jesus: About what you’re thinking.

Thomas: Beats me. I can’t figure it out.

Jesus: Here: Things are out of control. Politically, domestically, economically, sexually, spiritually — in just about every way things are about as bad as they can get. The “People of God” have forgotten what God — the Father and me — are all about. This nation will fall to pieces in a few years and our people will scatter. The Romans will keep the buses running, but the Temple will be leveled. Jerusalem will cease to be a holy city. And finally, Rome will put a bullseye on everyone associated with me.

Thomas: So, you’re saying this is a bad time.

Jesus: No, I’m saying this is a good time.

Thomas: If things are so bad, how can they be so good?

Jesus: That’s the secret. When the world is at its worst, we’re at our best. Now is the best time for the world to hear the message of repentance, forgiveness and adoption. The time for me couldn’t be better. It’s time for me to take up my cross.

Thomas: Hmmm. It’s another paradox, right?

Jesus: Yep. The first shall be last. The leader will serve. To live we die and in death we live. When things are bad, they’re good.

Thomas: So, when the devil makes things messy, our ministry gets clearer?

Jesus (winks and gives a thumbs up): We’re living in terribly good times, Thomas.

Tr8: Light works best in the dark. When the world looks bad, it’s an especially good time for love, sharing the message of repentance, forgiveness and adoption.

Mary Magdalene and Mark are cleaning up the kitchen at his Mom’s house.

Mark: Which of the disciples do you think is the hottest?

Mary: Hmmmm. I guess Andy, but Bart’s got somethin goin on when his hair’s washed.

Mark: What about Jesus?

Mary: He’s not a ‘player.’

Mark: What’d’ya mean?

Mary:  He’s a Blues Brother…on a ‘mission from God.’ Any woman who falls for him will be disappointed. Take Peter. He was a good husband to Mary before she passed.  He still loves her after all these years.

Mark: What’s with the name ‘Mary?’ Nearly every woman with us except Salome is called ‘Mary.’

Mary: It’s ancient Aramaic sarcasm. Means ‘Oh, joy! It’s a girl!’ Haven’t you noticed this is a male-dominant culture?

Mark: Then what does ‘Salome’ mean?

Mary: ‘This is not a boy.’

Mark: ‘Suzanne?’

Mary: ‘Missed again.’

Mark: Hmmm. So, why would a guy want a girl?

Mary: To have kids, a slave, or to get a dowry.

Mark: What about sex?

Mary: What do you know about sex?

Mark: One of the Romans draws naked pictures. He says sex is fun.

Mary: Maybe if you are a Roman. Sex for fun will get you killed around here. I used to be treated like a piece of meat at the market. Promiscuous sex doesn’t reach wide acceptance until 1967 AD — ‘Summer of Love,‘ Woodstock and all. But, sexual liberation won’t be kind to anyone. Viewing sex as a ‘thing’ is a mistake. Sex should be the product of love in a relationship.

Mark: OK, if you don’t want killed, or a dowry, or a slave, and Romans are pigs, then why have a woman?

Mary: Considering it is minus 32 BC and women are little better than livestock, I’d go with a good Arabian horse.

Mark: Why do you hang around all these guys, then?

Mary: Because Jesus treats everyone with love and respect and leads these nimrods to do likewise. He knows what love is and isn’t afraid to demonsrtate compassion. Doesn’t make any difference whether you’re male, female, young or old. Plus, he’s confident but humble; a man’s man but godly — that’s not unattractive.

Mark: Yeah, I know what you mean. Jesus treats me like an adult and respects me as a friend and everything even though I’m just a kid.

Mary: Aww. You’re nearly a man. Follow Jesus, Mark. If you learn to treat others like he does, you’ll do fine. Mark, if you choose to marry, settle down, and have kids, love your wife like Jesus loves us.

Tr8: Respect. Treat others with love and respect regardless of their situation or circumstances.

Dave: Hey! What’s up? My name’s Dave.

Jon: I’m Jon. New in town?

Dave: Yeah, I’m the one who killed the giant. With a slingshot.

Jon: Right, right. Then you’ve met my dad.

Dave: Dad?

Jon: Yeah, King Saul. The Big Guy. I’m his oldest son.

Dave: Hmmm. You know Sam the Prophet says I’m going to be king?

Jon: Yep. Sam and I are tight. I’m on board.

Dave: You don’t mind?

Jon: Can’t say it will be easy, but Sam said I should honor God and do for you as I’d want done for me. So, I’m promising right now you’ll be king and have no problems with me.

Dave: But you’re the Prince of the Realm and the people love you.

Jon: Dave, let’s get this straight: For you to be king, I’m going to have to die.

Dave (pause): …there’s gotta be another way…

Jon: We’re living in ancient times. If you become king and I’m around, the first crisis that comes along, the people are gonna call for your head and they’ll want me as king. That’s how things work. For Pete’s sake, it’s 1000 BC!

Dave: Why does it have to be this way?

Jon: We blew it when we demanded a king. We were THE People of God and our “king” was the Law of Moses. We had judges anointed by God. Now, we’re like everybody else — Dad’s a monarch with autocratic power. Autonomous power puts the monarch above the law. I’m not protected by the Law any more.

Dave: So, if we’d kept the Law you’d have been okay?

Jon: Right. But the people kept whining, ‘We want a king! Look at the Philistines, Moabites, and Babylonians — they have kings!’ Sam was the only one who understood how stupid a king would be.

Dave: This stinks. So, for me to be God’s king, you, the Prince of the Realm, must die.

Jon: Listen, Dave. This all works out in the end. I’m more than thankful to play my part. I’m what you call a “type” or “analogy” of Christ, who’ll come along in the New Testament. How many people get to be Christ-like in the Old Testament?

Dave: You’re saying another prince will die?

Jon: THIS prince, Christ, is going to be from YOUR hometown and bloodline and will be the King of Kings. He’ll die for everyone, but God will resurrect him. He’ll fulfill the Law, conquer death, and reveal the Kingdom of God. We’ll all be joined together in him.

Dave: Jon, you’re the best friend a guy could have.

Jon: Christ’s gonna say,’There’s no greater love than this.’

Tr8: A friend loves at all times. We should sacrificially imitate Christ for others.