Archive for April, 2014

disciplesIt’s Sunday morning–early–and the disciples have straggled back to Mary’s house where they met for the last supper with Jesus. Andrew, Judas and Thomas are missing. The sun is just beginning to peek out of the east. The women are gathering supplies together to properly clean and prepare Jesus’ body.

The door shuts softly as the women leave. Andrew walks in.

Andrew (putting a jug of water on the table): Judas hung himself.

Silence…

Bartholomew: What was he thinking? We all knew he wanted a Jesus revolution, but really?!

Simon the Zealot (in mournful exasperation): Judas didn’t need to turn on Jesus…he just turned himself in!

Thaddeus (shaking his head): Yeah, crazy. Jesus had Jerusalem in the palm of his hand! They hailed him as Messiah when we entered town.

Matthew (thoughtfully): This makes no sense.

Simon: I really thought this was it. I thought everything was going to come together.

Nathaniel: It all DID come together. He raised Lazarus last week in front of God and everyone–including pharisees. He preached, taught, healed, cast out demons, walked on water, commanded a storm to stop–generally snappin’ out miracles right and left. Everybody in Judea heard of him–most of ’em were here to greet him as he entered Jerusalem.

Simon: This was going to be THE Passover of all Passovers since Egypt–I thought he was going to deliver us from Herod and Rome…maybe even without a fight…

Matthew: Hmm. Jesus said this was going to happen, remember? So, he KNEW this was coming. What were we thinking?!

Peter (walking to the window): Well, he’s dead now.

John: What are we going to do?

Silence.

James: He said to wait, so let’s wait. I’m not sure what for, though.

Peter: I suppose it’s for our safety–he wanted us to stay safe until things settled down. We’ll head back to Capernaum next week. Our dads still have their boats and we can take care of our families.

Andrew: Where’s Thomas?

John: He said he was going to the Temple to see what’s next. Boy, he’s not afraid of his Jesus association.

Peter: He’s smart–and stubborn. He’ll be okay.

James: So, Peter, what do we do now? You, John and I were with Jesus almost 24-7, so now what?

Peter: I think Jesus would say, “Get everyone together and pray for leadership from the Father.”

John: I agree. We don’t know what to do, but Jesus wouldn’t leave without providing for us. He said as much himself.

James: I agree.

Andrew: One thing is for sure. Jesus isn’t done with something until he’s done with something and this DOES NOT feel done.

Peter: I agree. You know he said. “ask and it’ll be given.” I believe that. Let’s pray.

They all gather in a circle and Peter raises his hands and they begin to pray.

Peter: Father, we are confused. We don’t know why Jesus was crucified. Please help us understand your will and continue Jesus’ ministry in…

The door bursts open and Mary Magellan bounds through the doorway trying to catch her breath. The other women are close behind her with troubled looks.

Mary (weeping): They’ve take him away! We went and the stone was rolled away. Where have they taken him?

The disciples are confused, troubled and angry. Peter and John rise and head for the door–John breaks into a run and Peter follows.

Peter (over his shoulder): We’ll get to the bottom of this!

Tr8: When confused, ignorant or questioning, pray. We are never alone or without help in times of need. NO ONE was prepared for Jesus resurrection.

 holy-week-timeline

 

 

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ants

  1. We need more ants!
  2. This dress shirt needs puffier sleeves and longer lapels.
  3. I wish my circumference exceeded my height.
  4. I wish everyone wore spandex.
  5. I wish church lasted just a few hours longer.
  6. I hope my daughter gets to sleep with a lot of guys.
  7. I wish my husband would have an affair.
  8. Who needs toilet paper?
  9. If there is a god, I’m smarter than he is.
  10. I hope this marriage doesn’t last.
  11. Son, you’re going to have to try harder if you want to get into prison.
  12. We want our kids to try all the drugs they can get their hands on.
  13. I hope you are a smoker when you get older.
  14. You respect me too much.
  15. Well, you are a teenager–we need to start working on your addictions.
  16. Hey, Son, this is called pornography and I hope it becomes a big part of your life.
  17. Sweetheart, it’s prom night! You need to be showing a whole lot more skin.
  18. Son, try on this dress. It matches your heels.
  19. Honey, you can never have too many tattoos.
  20. Don’t worry about education or a job in the future–just have fun!
  21. Hey, kiddo! Maybe someday you’ll get cancer, too!
  22. You need to talk more to strangers about your sexuality.
  23. I hope this business relationship ruins my family.
  24. As I look back, I spent too much time with my kids when they were young.
  25. I don’t want to be loved.
  26. Remember, my point-of-view is way more important than you.
  27. Honey, I hope you grow up to trust no one and become a paranoid loner.
  28. Aliens made me do that.
  29. It’s better to be right than kind.
  30. Walk as close to the edge as you can, kids.

 

Tr8: If you wouldn’t wish it on your child, don’t do it.

Feel free to add more in comments.

 

 

P-shipJesus: So, how was spring break?

Peter: Great! I took the kids, Mom and the little woman to the beach at the Promontory of Zeus, near Haifa.

Jesus: Yeah, super beaches and great restaurants. Our family went there a few years back for Jimmy’s birthday.

Peter: Did you go to the Phoenician Museum?

Jesus: Yep. At the time, Jimmy was crazy about ships and Jude wanted to see a dolphin.

Peter: So, you went to Sea World?

Jesus: Yeah, but paying two denari to stand and look in a big tidal pool is a bit much. Thank goodness there was a 10 denari limit for families!

Peter: I had to pay 8.

Jesus: Did you like the Phoenician Museum? Did’ja see the round boat?

Peter: Amazing–they sailed those to the ends of the earth and back.

Jesus (smiling): Yep. Did you go to the Crab Shack?

Peter (surprised): Lord, no!!! I wouldn’t eat one of those sea spiders in my dreams! We went to the Purple Clam and sat in the kosher room. I had some terrific grilled tuna and Salome and the kids had the ‘catch of the day,’ fried mahimahi.

Jesus: Did you sea fish?

Peter: Of course, I saw fish.

Jesus: No, did you fish in the sea?

Peter (clumsily): Oh, yeah–I went out on a day boat with some Samaritans–they were a lot of fun for a bunch of sinners.

Jesus: Samaritans. What’d’ya think? Should they be kicked out for disagreeing over temple sites and stuff? Should they be allowed to worship in our synagogues?

Peter (thoughtfully): Really (rubbing his chin)…I think there should be as few barriers between God and humans as possible. If someone wants to know you, or the Father, who am I to put up hurdles? Like you say, if they love God and others as themselves, they’re headed the right direction. We, Jews, try to keep the Law of Moses in our hearts, but that’s a joke, really. Mercy and grace are our only chance at seeing God. As you say, “Truth on the inside; grace on the outside.”

Jesus (patting him on the back): That’s key, Peter. You have the key–you will fish for people someday. Remember this conversation. Pull’em into God’s boat. (Pointing at Peter) Upon this ‘rock’ I’ll build my church.

Peter: Wow. That’s a lot of metaphors.

Jesus (sheepishly): Yeah, that kinda got away from me…

Tr8: You have the key to open and close doors or pull people into the boat or whatever. Don’t mess it up.

Loosely based on Matthew 16.

 

surveyName: Jesus of Nazareth

Date: March 31, 3

Directions: Place an X after those who really annoy you.

1.  Samaritans, Philistines, Edomites, etc.

2.  Adulterers

3.  Thieves

4.  Liars

5. Tax Collectors

6. Roman centurions

7.  Prostitutes

8.  Mafia

9.  Arsonists

10. Murders

11.  Homosexuals

12. Merciless haters       X

13. Banjo players

14. Sinners

15. Old people

16. Bloggers

17. Beggars/unclean

18. Rude teenagers

19. Legalists    X

20. Circus clowns

Other:  Self-righteous, ungracious, judgmental, hypocritical, mean people annoy me the most.

Tr8:  Don’t annoy Jesus. Don’t be critical of others. Obey the truth God gives you. Love everyone.