philip is not racist – steve’s triumph

Posted: May 1, 2014 in Between the lines, Fractured Bible stories, God and Time, Humor
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

triumphPhilip was one of the 70 sent out by Jesus to spread Good News to the rest of the world. According to Hebrew tradition, 70 is the number of peoples on earth after the Tower of Babel. Gentiles. The 70 went out and returned, saying…

70 (excitedly): Jesus! The demons wet themselves when we mentioned your name!

Jesus (inspired): I saw the Devil leave heaven on the last, fast train, guys. So, listen to this: I give you authority to walk on snakes and scorpions and to stick it to the Devil’s demons. No worries; nothing will harm you.

Barnabas: Trample on snakes and scorpions? What?!

Jesus: Don’t worry about it–but don’t throw a party because demons sweat when you come around–rejoice that your names are written in heaven.

70: Woohoo!

Philip followed Jesus and the Disciples around through the good and bad times. After the crucifixion he headed out again to preach in Samaria. To the unclean. To the pagans. No problem, because he’d seen it work when he was in the 70s program. One day he was sitting on in the shade of a billboard drinking blue Gatorade. It was hot, but a gentle breeze was stirring. He began to nod off…

Steve (riding up on a Triumph, he skids to a stop and pulls off his helmet):Yo! Philip! I am Steve, a messenger from Jesus!

Philip (startled): Yikes! What?! (observing) Triumphant wheels, dude.

Steve: Yeah, Ezekiel saw mine, Julius’ and Scotts’ wheels when were “Heaven’s Angels” and did concert security on the heavenly circus announcement circuit. His brain was fried–he didn’t have a clue what we were doing. Anyway, the Man says head south, you’ll find another desert road. Take it. There’ll be a Gaza sign.

Philip (picking up his bottle of Gatorade, pulls up his robe and grabs his staff):  I’m on it.

Steve puts his helmet on, salutes and motors off into the clouds on his Triumph.

As Philip walks he comes upon a parked limo where an Ethiopian eunuch, the treasurer for Candace, Queen of the Ethiopians, is sitting in the back reading aloud.  His driver, Chuck, buzzes down his window as Philip approaches.

Philip: You lost? (Hearing mumbling in the rear seat) Need some help?

Chuck: Nah, His Excellency is reading something he got near Jerusalem city limits from a guy on a motorcycle who zoomed up and told us to pull over and wait for a Hebrew before we went any further. We’re waiting.

Philip: It’s your lucky day, I’m Hebrew and I may know the motorcycle guy–wings on his back?

Chuck: Yeah, that’s him (getting out, walks Philip to the back door and taps on the window). You Excellency, this is the Hebrew. His name is…uh..

Philip: Philip.

Chuck: Philip. He know’s that Steve guy.

His Excellency, Lord James: Splendid!

Philip: Sounds to me like you were reading from Isaiah. Does it make any sense to you?

Lord James: How could it?! I need someone to explain it. Here’s what it says–is the prophet talking about himself or someone else?

“He was led like a sheep to the slaughter,
    and as a lamb before its shearer is silent,
    so he did not open his mouth.
    In his humiliation he was deprived of justice.
    Who can speak of his descendants?
    For his life was taken from the earth.”

Philip: Whoa! I got this one! That’s Jesus–master, savior, friend–he’s everything! Like, he’s THE WAY!

With that, Philip starts with those verses and introduces Jesus to Lord James and Chuck, his driver.

Lord James: Look! Here’s a creek. What’s to keep me from being baptized right now?

Philip: Not a cotton-picking thing! Game on! Chuck, you in on this?

Chuck: Master?

Lord James: Come on in, the water’s fine and God is good!

Philip baptizes James and Chuck and as soon as he’s done the heavens open, Steve zooms down, Philip jumps on and away they go.

Lord James: What the…

Chuck drive Lord James back to Ethiopia.

Philip and Steve end up doing a road trip to Caesarea after spending a few days on the beach at Azotus with Philip’s family. Steve invents surfing and lets Philip ride his Triumph.

Tr8: Be available and step to it when God leads.

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