baptism don’t mean nothin

Posted: April 15, 2016 in Humor, Serious
Tags: , , , , , ,

Jesus walks down to the lake after the disciples and 15 others lunch on a hot dog and a bag of sour cream and chives chips. Jesus reaches the shore and sees Judas sitting with his feet in the water. The other disciples are dunking and splashing each other. Jesus sits a little further up the bank and watches until John notices him.

John: Hey, Jesus!

Judas turns around and everyone stops and looks at Jesus.

Jesus (pointing at Peter) : For Pete’s sake, guys. You aren’t supposed to swim within 30 minutes after lunch.

Judas: Told you so.

Peter: (raises an eyebrow at Judas, smiles at Jesus): We’re practicing baptizing.

Jesus: Hmm. So how does it work?

Peter: Well, you get your hands wet and then make the sign of a cross on their foreheads.

A few near Peter nod.

John: No, you lean ’em back and then dunk ’em totally under water.

Andrew and a few others near John nod.

Judas: Doesn’t matter as long as you get water on ’em.

Everyone looks at him quizzically.

Jesus: What’d’ya think baptism means?

John: Like you told Nicodemus — it’s a new birth — a water birth. The old person goes into the water and a new one comes out. I guess it’s symbolic.

Peter: No, it’s not just symbolic. Baptism imparts real grace to people. You almost glowed when you were baptized. It’s God’s way of giving grace, which opens the way to eternal peace and redemption…I think.

Simon the Zealot: If you don’t get baptized, you can’t join a church can you?

Judas: It doesn’t really mean anything. At best it’s symbolic. It’s just plain water, isn’t it?

Everyone rolls their eyes. Peter splashes Judas.

Jesus: Hmm. You guys are all over the place on this. Andrew, what did the Baptizer tell you?

Andrew: Baptism was supposed to signify repentance and turning from sin.

Jesus: That’s good.

John: Yeah, the Baptizer said it signified turning from sin. After all, he baptized you, what’d it do for you?

Jesus (smiling): It pleased the Father. It was a special moment between the Father and me.

Judas: See, it doesn’t mean anything.

Everyone looks askance at Judas.

Jesus: Sorta right, Moneybags. What if I told you baptism means what you think it means? What if what you believe is what you get? Frankly, guys, it you believe it means nothing, your baptism means nothing. If you believe it’s part of the saving grace of the Father, it is. If you see nothing miraculous about it, nothing is. If you believe you’ve received a miracle, you have. Personally, I like baptisms.

John: So, what does it really mean?

Jesus (wading out): It means, if you like me, do it. Who wants to practice on me?

Tr8: Be baptized in faith, believing. Believe big in case it’s bigger than you think. God exceeds whatever we think.

  1. Joe Walton says:

    I like Ann Rice’s account better. Read it in her “Christ the Lord-Road to Cana”, Chapter 20.

    • docwakefield says:

      Sort of an amazing comment ’cause I’ve just started the Vampire Chronicles and have never read Rice before. Andy Stanley, pastor of Northpoint Community Church, mentioned her a few months ago and I figured if he read her, I’d give her a shot. I’m enjoying the read and will check the reading you suggest. If I were a vampire, I might live long enough to write as well as she. Thanks for your comment.

      • Joe Walton says:

        I recommend you start with her first Jesus book, Christ the Lord – Out of Egypt and follow with Road to Cana. I like the way she wrote them in first person, Jesus is the narrator.

      • docwakefield says:

        Loaded both on my kindle yesterday. Thanks for the recommendation.

    • docwakefield says:

      Joe, enjoyed both of Rice’s pre-gospel books. I liked her account of Jesus’ baptism, too. Thanks again for the recommendation.

      • Joe Walton says:

        Thanks. Rice’s account just put some flesh on that whole event for me. I hope she will continue with another book moving forward with Jesus’ ministry. We shall see.

      • docwakefield says:

        I have a feeling she feels the Gospels complete her narrative. Can you imagine some of young Jesus’ talks with his elders?!

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