Posts Tagged ‘Barnabas’

Jesus, John Mark and Barnabas are waiting for Peter, John and James at a Starbucks. Jesus promised to take Mark and Barney to a water park. Jesus is reading a paper someone left behind. Mark and Barnabas are studying him.

Barnabas: Jesus, why don’t you ever write anything down for us?

Jesus: Got it taken care of.

Barnabas: What’d’ya mean?

Jesus: Two things: First, my teachings are something you DO, not something you LEARN. The Pharisees KNOW what is written, but they don’t DO it too much. Second, anyone who writes about himself has questionable credibility.

Mark: Yeah, but I think your life and teachings need to be written down.

Jesus: I know. It’ll get written up. Here’s how it’ll fall out. Matthew, who listens well, will do mainly teachings and sermons. Peter will work with you, Mark, to write anecdotes and stories. A doctor, named Lucanus, will write my biography and some other stuff. Barney, you’ll help him and a nimrod named Saul, from Tarsus. It’ll be interesting. John, when he’s old will write a sort of first-person narrative. He’ll continue to be a bit jealous of Peter being the ‘rock’ on which the church will be built.

Mark: I should have known you’d have it all under control.

Jesus (smiling): Listen to this headline on the sports page, ‘Pharisee with Twelve Children Hits Hole in One.’

Barnabas: Here’s Peter and the guys! Let’s go! The slide at Aquaduct-Us Maximus is radical!

Jesus: Grab you towels and sunscreen, I’ll pay our tab.

Tr8: Jesus’ way is something you DO, not what you KNOW.

Paul and Barnabas were walking through the marketplace in Antioch after church. They are going to Olive Garden for soup and salad. As they walk, a young girl and man are right on their heels.

Girl: 6×6=36!     16×23=368!    48,588×455=222,307,540!

Barnabas: 55×32?

Girl: 1,760!

Paul: 7×5?

Girl: 35!

Man with girl: She’s my slave. She can multiply anything. I rent her out as a calculator.

Paul: 9×9?

Barnabas (just ahead of the girl): 81.

Man: Want to hire her for some calculations?

Paul: No. We mostly add.

Man: You’re already into me for 6 calculations.

Paul: No way! We didn’t ask for the first three and Barnabas answered the last one.

Man: Hey, everyone! These….CHRISTIANS…THEY don’t want to pay for their calculations! I’m being oppressed!

A group gathers around them.

Man: Wilbur, how much did you pay me for calculating how many casks you could move with your crew?

Wilbur: 50 cents. Yeah, 5 men, 5 trips, 25 casks. I remember.

Man: There! See? You owe me $3.00.

Paul (steamed): Here’s $1.50 for 2 questions.

Girl: $1.00

Paul: Did that one count?

Man (thinking): Of course. That’ll be $1.00.

Paul (handing over $1.00): Okay, here. This ain’t right. No one should have to work as a calculator. Girl, do you like this?

Girl: I’m so tormented. All I can do is…multiply…if only I were free!

Man (slapping the girl): Shut-up, winch!

Paul: That’s it bub. Demon, identify yourself and come forth!

Girl (falling to the ground): Aghh!

Demon: Paul of Tarsus, servant of Jesus Christ! I am the Demon of Multiplication. Please don’t send me to the pit! Please!

Paul (looking around): Foul fiend! Go! Into that donkey, you minion of evil!

The girl sat up, in her right mind, smiling calmly at the crowd. The people were amazed.

Man (startled, looking at the girl): What’s 13×120?

Girl:  I don’t know.

Donkey: 1,560.

Tr8: Multiply your grace by helping others. Boldly help the helpless.

It’s the night before Jesus’ arrest. Everyone has gathered at Mary’s house. They are grilling hamburgers. Most of the disciples are upstairs, but Jesus, Peter, Mark, and his cousin, Barnabas, are on the porch. A gentle breeze is blowing from the west. Jesus is working the grill.

Mary, Mark’s mother, is a widow. She hands Barnabas a plate full of burgers. Barnabas, her elder brother’s son, came to Jerusalem to help her four years earlier. Barnabas holds the plate while Jesus moves ’em to the grill. Mary ducks back inside and reminds her serving girl, Rhoda, to put a large bowl of water and a towel upstairs.

Mark is the youngster on the porch. He’s fatherless, but father rich — all three men on the porch think of him as their son.

Peter: How’s school, kid?

Mark: Don’t ask. Mom’s grounded me ’cause I wrote, ‘Roma edunt vermes’ on my Latin notebook.

Peter: That could be dangerous, kid. Rome has no sense of humor.

Jesus: Work on your Greek, Mark. Peter’s gonna need a good scribe someday.

Barnabas (to Jesus and Peter): Mark’s in the top of his class. The only kid who comes close is a senior named Saul…he’s a bit of a mess, but if he ever discovers humility he’ll be something.

Jesus (rotating the burgers): Barnabas, I want you to keep a close eye on Mark and this “Saul” kid. As I said before, I’m going away…

Peter: Here we go again…

Jesus: Seriously, Simon? We have a tough weekend ahead. Get in the game. Barnabas, Saul and Mark are both going to need your encouragement, so be ready.

Barnabas nods. Jesus flips the burgers. A Macadonian centurion with a squad of Romans walk past the gate.

Peter: Those guys still give me the creeps. That centurion works in Pilate’s palace. Wasn’t it his servant you healed long-distance?

Jesus: Yep. He’s a good man with a really tough job. He’ll retire after this weekend in a state of total disillusionment. Peter, you’ll see him tonight at the High Priest’s palace and again in the future. You’ll both have betrayals to talk about. You’ll become close. I will give you both peace.

Peter: Rabbi, I’m not seein’ that. Centurions are not my cup of tea…

Jesus points the spatula at Peter and shakes his head. The burgers sizzle.

Mark: Jesus, when I get out of school, can I follow you?

Barnabas: Mark, ANYONE who wishes can follow Jesus. I’ve never seen him turn anyone away. Right, Lord?

Jesus: Barnabas, you’re truly ‘the son of encouragement.’  Yeah, Mark, you and Barnabas will follow me.

The sun dips toward the horizon. The hamburgers on the grill are about done. Jesus flips them and puts cheese on them. Mary comes out with a platter.

Jesus (with a deep sigh): Okay guys, let’s head upstairs. Mark, take notes tonight. In Greek.

Tr8: Follow. The sooner the better. Take notes

John Mark made smores. They’re a day’s journey from Lystra. Sitting by the fire, Paul licks the marshmallow and chocolate from his fingers. Barnabas watches the sun slip below the horizon while John Mark pulls out the bedrolls.

“Hey, Hermes, you look a little stoned.”

“Shut up, Zeus.”

“Seriously, how’s it going? The eye looks better already. Did you heal yourself?”

“Not funny. You wanna explain to me how you walk away from “THE GODS ARE AMONG US” and I get stoned?”

“Squeaky wheel gets the grease.”


Gentle sobbing.

“Reminds me of Stephen….”


“You know, Paul, what I admired in Stephen is what I like about you. You are not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. You preach it like it’s the power of God to bring salvation.”

“Well, that’s what I believe.”

“Stephen did, too. I remember Jesus said, ‘Blessed are you when you’re persecuted for my name’s sake.’ Stephen once said to me, ‘For me to live is Christ, to die is gain.'”

“That sounds like Stephen. Hang on a second, let me get a pencil. I’m gonna wanna remember this.”

“We’re on a mission of life or death, Paul. Since all have sinned…”

“…and fall short of God’s glory…”

“…we HAVE to tell everyone that if they’ll confess Jesus is Lord and believe in their hearts God raised him from the dead…”

“…they’ll be saved!”

“Exactly! Paul, if God is for us, who can be against us? Aren’t we more than conquerors in Christ?”

Silence. Nothing but embers left in the fire pit. The stars glow in the night.


“Yeah, Paul.”

“Thanks for everything — after Stephen, after Damascus, bringing me to Antioch, this mission — you’ve helped me realize all things are possible in Christ.”

“My pleasure, Paul.”

Tr8: Mentor. Find one. Be one. This is a team endeavor.