Posts Tagged ‘sin’

Jesus is sitting with the disciples in Waffle House early one morning. Everyone is tired, but James and John just had to have waffles. So, they all went, packed into two cars. Murphy, the “13th” disciple came on his motorcycle.

Peter: Jesus, it’s late, but I need to tell you I did something I’m not proud of.

Jesus: I know, you ran a red light on the way here.

Peter: Well, that wasn’t what I was thinking about.

Jesus: You also had mean thoughts about Murphy.

Peter: Ouch! Sorry, Murph. You’re just so unlucky. But, that’s not it either.

Jesus: So, are we gonna sit here and play ‘guess my sin?’

Peter: No. I was the one who passed gas in the car, but didn’t claim it. I think everyone thought Bartholomew did it.

Bartholomew: See! I told you it wasn’t me.

Jesus: Guys, it should not surprise you at this point that I know all your sins. Right?

John (pouring blueberry syrup on his waffles): Yea. You know everything. Even about Peter. Glad I was in the other car.

Jesus: I even know what you are GOING to do wrong. For instance, Judas is going to undertip the waiter.

Judas: Uh-uh. I’m planning on tipping 20%.

Jesus (rolls his eyes): Truth is, I’ve already forgiven the sins you are going to commit.

Judas (surprised): Does that include me?

Jesus (gazing into Judas’ eyes): We’ll see. Those who love me will be loved.

Thomas: So you know that I’m…

Jesus (as Thomas empties the salt shaker): …going to dump out the salt shaker? Yeah. That was mean. Judas, tip 25%.

Murphy: So, when we pray for forgiveness, we’re only agreeing with what you already know.

Jesus (eyebrows raised): Yeah, Murph. That’s right. Well played.

Peter: I knew that. So, you’ve already forgiven us for what we haven’t, already, done yet.

Jesus: Yep. You guys are mine. In me, the price is paid in full. As long as you come back to me. You’ll be fine.

John (thoughtfully): As long as we come back to you. Cool. Are you going to eat the rest of your bacon?

Jesus: This is turkey bacon, and yes, I’m going to eat it and the rest of Nathaniel’s.

John (grabbing Jame’s last piece of bacon): That works for me.

Tr8: In Christ, the deal is done as long as you keep coming back to him.

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luciferAdam and Eve are sitting under a tree in Eden.

Eve: What about Serpent?

Adam: What do you mean?

Eve: Well, for one thing, he talks. Says his name is Lucifer.

Adam: Yeah, I call him Lucky. I think he’s connected to a spirit or something. I’m pretty sure he knows God. I’ve seen ’em talking.

Eve: Yeah, me, too. And he’s tall and handsome and strong.

Adam: Yeah, at least 6’4′ and 200 pounds.

Eve: He’s easy on the eyes.

Adam: Sometimes when we walk with God in the garden? Lucky’s asked if we’ll go with him instead to the orchard. I laughed, but didn’t think it was funny.

Eve: Lucky seems different–sort of like God, but not as much. He’s approached me, too. He’s always talking to me by the river. He’s a charmer. I’m pretty sure he has a crush on me.

Adam: That’s cool. Glad Lucky likes you. What does he talk about?

Eve: He’s full of complements and asks me if I love him.

Adam: Really? He asked me the same thing today. Once again, I laughed–what a goof!

Eve: Totally. He asked me if I thought he looked like God…bizarro!

They sit quietly for a few minutes, then Adam sits up.

Adam: It’s almost 6:00. What’s for dinner?

Eve: I thought we’d have spaghetti, French bread and fruit cocktail for dessert.

Adam: Sounds good! I’m gonna go ask God if he wants to join us. He loves your spaghetti.

Eve: Perfect. I’m going to go pick some fruit.

Adam heads toward the river as Eve heads toward the orchard. While she’s on the path Lucky slides up beside her.

Lucky: Where you headed?

Eve (looking over her shoulder): To the orchard. Wanna come along?

Lucky: Sure! Where’s Adam?

Eve: He’s inviting God to dinner.

Lucky (enviously): No kidding? Wouldn’t you rather have supper with me?

Eve (laughing): Where do you get that stuff?! No, but you can join us. Bring some monkeys. They’re always fun, too.

Lucky: Hmm. You know, I’m like God. Come over here, I wanna show you something.

They walk up to a banana tree.

Lucky (touching a branch): Recognize this tree?

Eve: You crazy serpent! That’s the tree God said to leave alone.

Lucky (reaches up, snaps off a banana, peels it and eats it): Voilà!

Eve (startled): So?

Lucky (confidently): So?

Eve (snapping off a banana, peeling it and taking a bite): You know, Lucky, I don’t think we should be alone together. I’m starting to feel naked.

Tr8: Love God with all your heart. Don’t be alone with Lucky.

dog and beerThe disciples are at a rodeo near Cana. Jesus has gone to get drinks and food for everyone with Murphy (the non-disciple), Judas and his moneybag. There’s a break in the action as the local high school drum and bugle corp line up for their performance of John Lennon’s “Imagine.”

Andrew: I got a weird question this morning coming out of MacDonalds.

Peter: What?

Andrew: Someone asked if Jesus was sinless.

John: Sinless?

Andrew: Yeah. A synagogue dude asked me if Jesus was a sinner.

Bartholomew: Well, of course he is!

Nathaniel: I’ve seen him eat without washing — you all have.

James: Right. And remember when he helped Murphy fix his roof on the sabbath?

Peter: He’s breaking the sabbath just about every week.

Matthew: I see him touch unclean stuff all the time. Plus, he ate a bit of bacon at my house once. And he liked it.

Simon: He hangs out with sinners all the time — prostitutes, gays, loan-sharks, pro wrestlers, Romans, women…us. And he also keeps Bumper.

Thomas: I sometimes wonder where he goes when he disappears for long periods of time. Praying in the hills… For DAYS?  I’m not sure I believe that.

James: Well, who says the Messiah has to be perfect? No one is perfect. In fact, one of the reasons I think he is THE messiah is because he’s willing to break a few laws to do what needs to be done.

Peter: Absolutely. The Law is righteous, but we’re not going to get a new king in Israel by righteousness, we’re going to have to overthrow Herod and Roman rule. We’re part of a revolution and revolutions aren’t fought by rules.

John: I agree…. Does anyone here think Jesus is perfect?

Silence.

Andrew: So, Jesus is our master and THE Messiah, but he’s not perfect. How could he be? Who in their right mind would believe that, anyway? He’s kind of a messy, dirty guy who is recruiting dirty, messy followers — like us  — to carry out a dirty, messy revolution.

Everyone nods and voices agreement just as Jesus, Murphy and Judas arrive with the drinks and food.

Jesus (glances around the group and smiles): My ears are burning.

Suddenly there’s a lot of shuffling, clearing throats and looking around.

Judas (with authority): Okay, who ordered what?

Jesus: I asked for a light beer and a hotdog, no relish.

Nathaniel (raised eyebrow, questioningly): D’ja wash your hands? Kosher dog?

Jesus (touching Nate’s chest): It’s what’s in a man’s heart, not on his hands, that makes him a sinner. Whatever doesn’t come from faith is sin. It’s fair to judge yourself (because you know your own heart), but to others always be gracious. Remember what I said about splinters in eyes?

Nate grins as Jesus musses his hair.

Peter (shrugging his shoulders, aside to Andrew): Who are we to judge the Messiah?

Tr8: Who are you to judge? You know only one heart. Judge that one.

street_personJesus is in Capernaum at Starbucks with the leading disciples, Peter, James, John, Andrew and Murphy, the non-disciple. They are across the street from Matthew’s customhouse and up the street from the synagogue.

Jesus: I believe I told you guys that I would take care of all the cursing that needed to be done. You’re not supposed to swear. Peter, I saw you when you snagged your thumb in the net and blessed out the nets, the surrounding boats and all the fish in the lake.

Peter (uncomfortably): Well, yes, I understand our arrangement with swearing.

Jesus: So, what’s the deal?

Peter: It was the kind of situation that needed immediate attention and you weren’t there to do the work, so I took it upon myself.

Jesus (smiling): I suppose it’ll be all right. You do have a flair for swearing.

Andrew: I’ll say. He does in cussing what a sculptor does in stone.

Jesus: Let me ask you guys something. When you’re in the market do you hear swearing?

James: Sure. Wherever there are people you hear cursing.

Jesus: What about in the synagogue.

James: Nope. Course not. No swearers in the synagogue.

Jesus: What about beggars and thieves?

John: Definitely in the market. And just about everywhere else.

Jesus: At the synagogue?

John: No. Not in the synagogue.

Jesus: What about gays. Do you ever see gays?

Andrew: The tailor next door, Steve, is gay. He does excellent work.But yeah, they’re around — not a majority — but almost everywhere I go.

Jesus: At the synagogue?

Andrew: No.

Jesus: What about fast women, butchers, boxers, Roman soldiers, tax collectors, sick people, debtors, poor and lost people?

Peter: They’re everywhere.

Jesus: In the synagogue?

Peter: No.

Jesus: What’s wrong with this picture?

Tr8: The church of Jesus’ day was all about truth, but neglected grace. Jesus’ mission was to seek and save the people who rarely darkened the door of a synagogue. Go and do likewise. Maintain truth in a spirit of grace. Open your church and heart to those in need.

choices

Tr8: What’s in the title, do that. Work on yourself, seeking the Spirit of Christ, and draw others into wanting the same Spirit in themselves.